I am not a huge friend person. I don't keep a large circle of friends around me. This is just the way I've always been. I do, however, keep just a few close friends - ones that I feel I can't live without. Whom I need and hope need me. I fully love my friends.
Sometimes I wish I were the other way - that I had many friends and acquaintances. I do have acquaintances - don't get me wrong. And I like seeing them or being around them, but I still cling to my few close friends and prefer 1:1 time with them. But having a huge circle is more fun really. No shortage of people to do things with. :)
But I can't change me so that will never be, even though it would be easier emotionally. I give so much to any friendship that I develop that it takes everything. My heart and soul links with them. The drawback to this is when I feel like I'm losing one of them it crushes me. When I need them much more than they need me it makes me sad. When I think that I may never see them again it hurts and breaks my heart. Especially when that one is the closest of them all.
I felt deep sorrow when Mark left for Vegas. When I realized I had lost my friendship with my childhood friend, Leah - even though that happened slowly. When Jason stopped working with me though we're nearly neighbors. When Cami went to work at another facility (but then came back hurrah). And there's more...
And every time I feel one slipping away, I am reminded again of how much I wish I didn't do this to myself. It would be easier to just have many casual friends and keep only my husband as my close one. (Trust me though, if I lost the hubby I would just die...) Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I don't know. And can I stop the way I am? No.
So here's to long lasting friendships and the roller coaster ride that comes. May it bring me more joy than sorrow. And may every friendship make me a better person.
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